October

October is here...

There is a silence in me.
Not because it's so awesome or mind blowing. It isn't. It rains a lot and the world feels colder even though the actual difference is just 3 degrees Celsius.

It was so nice being out and about, playing in different setting, places, times of the day. It really is wonderful to be able to sit, play... ...as all passes by, people come, people go. I love the feeling of sitting in the periphery of their being here, now.

Yet, I wake up after the Seven Heads feeling insanely conscious of my bubble. All were so friendly but it is obvious that it isn't clear at all what it is that I am doing to those who I meet. To make it even more oblique is my inability to convey what it is that I do, want, try to achieve.

When I talk about the walking, the freedom, the need to share, the transience of it all and the ultimate aim (to finish that loop from here to Jerusalem, Rome, Santiago and then back) all nod and confirm it makes sense but it feels awkward and I start rubbing my neck a lot, feel the need to over explain.

So Monday I'm in doubt, by Tuesday I want to give up, too busy to think about anything Wednesday, Thursday I'm feeling scared and today... ...today I'm thinking that nothing has changed apart from the weather and I just have to learn. Learn to communicate, learn to be clear. Learn to say what I want. Be specific. I'm expecting a lot. Why would anyone know about what I want or do?

I will sit down.
I will think about.
I will write it all up and then start again.

It was wonderful, out in the wind, on the road, climbing, falling... ...carrying... ...walking... the sway of my pack, ticking of the frame. I meet a man on the road with two dogs. He looks but doesn't dare to ask. How many times have I written that down? I meet him again in the Liveboat Inn, not as shy now he asks about the harp and we chat for a while. 'Didn't I see you on the road earlier? Some pack you've got on there...'.

September brought me the energy to change.
October is asking for the stamina to continue on.

All it needs is more practice and practice I will.

It isn't as hard as it sounds. Do, just do.

I pace and moan. Make coffee, sit, walk, move, stand still. I write, delete, write again. It looks like yes, some of it is set up but it can do with a whole lot more. It can be better organized and asking for money is an incentive for venues to pay attention. And what about the multimedia? It can do with better linking. Have I really followed everything up? Do send out more mails, find more venues...talk to more people... ...

October is here.